Living on Shifting Sands

Moments present themselves as reality, but mostly are not reality. We see life through our perceptive filters, through very long straws, and live our life on shifting sands. Waves upon waves of storms blowing sand high into the air only to fall again covering much of who we are, hiding that part of us that is solid and unchangeable, our foundation. We are not on a beach, but in a wild desert full of spiky cacti and scorpions, struggling to drink in the water of our soul. The oasis we see is not full of nurturing fruit, but of old worn-out beliefs and perceptions that have seen better days.

For many of us, we never get to see that solid, unchangeable part as it’s far too painful. Seeing our true colours is painful in the extreme as we must strive to accept everything we see, everything. Even those darkest regions containing anger, hate and frustration we spent decades trying to suppress. You see, if you actively suppress, you suppress all, and not just those facets of derision, shame, and guilt. Ultimately, you smother joy, laughter, pleasure, wonder, clarity, curiosity.

For many of us, we spend inordinate amounts of time running away from our fear, hiding, hoping that it will pass us by and not notice us crouching in the corner of the living room next to the elephant. It’s like those 1970s horror movies where the monster chases the damsel in distress. The monster plods step by step, moving slowly, arms outstretched, reaching into the air trying to grab the damsel. She always seems to run faster than the monster, but does she really get away? Through the dark forest the monster always catches its prey. Fear is our monster. We are our own nemesis.

If only we were to find the courage within, we could turn and stare at this monster and watch as its covering falls away. The masks and facades collapse as we finally get to see who is chasing us. It is us, the child within left ignored, forgotten, and discarded. We stand there in the dark forest staring at our own eyes, frozen in the moment as icicles of fear solidify in our veins. We are our own nemesis.

Sometimes, it is our thoughts we are fearful of, thoughts that percolate in a vat of obsession and paranoia. Emotions surface, prompted to rise by a word said by another. Feelings bubble up to disturb the flat, calmness of the lake. Why are they there? What do they mean? Why are these bubbles so intense? When a bubble bursts, why is the screaming voice trapped within so confused and chaotic?

I feel jealousy. I feel abandonment. I feel rejection. I feel unworthy. I feel small from a spouse who shouts and who cannot listen, who speaks from another room and expects to be understood. I hide emotionally from my spouse at the weekends when she is not working so I can survive. She covers me with her metaphorical sand, so she has somewhere to stand using me as a support.

It is painful beyond description to hide from the one you love. I find my ears closing to the onslaught, to the sound of negative words, to the implied judgement. So much of communication is through body language, and a voice that carries the opposite of the words said. It’s not the words themselves, but the way they are spoken, the thrust of bitterness is transmitted rather than the dictionary meaning.

For me, by not reacting to the onslaught, this becomes yet another opportunity to look deep within, to scrape away the sand, to dig deeper to find answers to the questions I didn’t know I needed to ask. Relationships are always the biggest challenge and those you have with your spouse illuminates even the darkest of places.

For her, there seems to be an unwillingness to see below the sand, a definite reluctance to become an archaeologist looking for evidence of her compassionate soul, to release the pain and anger over past situations. There is nothing wrong in this except the choices we make sometimes affect those around us. When we choose not to discard our past, to remain fixed in outdated thinking, it is thrust into a relationship ill-equipped to handle that stress.

We are all subject to our past and our experiences, as these are what formed us. Many of us choose not to see these as valuable tools of discovery, and so are stuck in that same past, thinking the future will be same. Some of us choose to blame anyone and everyone rather than grabbing hold of the shovel to dig further, to dig deeper and deeper under the layers of drifting sand to find that immoveable foundation. Carrying the past in an ever-enlarging backpack is tiring in the extreme.

There is a sense for me that the deeper I travel towards the source of my emotions and thoughts, the more I will understand me and how I operate within the world. This technique is so counter intuitive that many people find it very difficult and challenging, and will not even begin the long walk to freedom. Some will not even entertain the idea that it’s their perception that requires enhancing and not the world around them that needs to change. I was there once, I was in that sea of confusion wanting the world to sing to my tune until the sand below me began to sink, pulling me down, drowning me in my own resistance to change.

I died in that singular moment, a metaphorical shift in my sense of self as the sand covered my mind, body and soul, sinking into an unexpected transformation. That moment bought with it a shifted reality, one that became crystal clear with vibrant hues and colours, both intense and nuanced.

My metaphorical death allowed me to see the sand, not as a barrier, but as the experiences of life, experiences that had immense value for my growth and understanding of me as a valuable individual in a world that once found me very challenging and not ‘normal’.

Postscript

Recently, my spouse chose to view the possibility that she is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. This makes a lot of sense, as the way she acts is very much a way of seeing the world as rigid and fixed. It must be this way, as this is the only way she can live in the world. The way our brains work is extraordinarily complex and a marvel of natures creation.

If we can use the cards we’ve been dealt, then life becomes more enjoyable. Rejecting the pack of cards as unreal, just makes us less empowered and unwilling to make the changes necessary. Acceptance is a great tool for change and transformation, as is forgiveness. It is us that we need to forgive. It is us that we need to accept.