At the Threshold of Surrender
There are often times when I no longer feel part of myself. It’s as though I’ve stepped aside and found myself just being the observer, looking at the events around me and wondering why I chose the path I did. Perhaps I didn’t consciously, but my Soul certainly had a hand in those choices.
I sense that my Soul wanted, for this life, to experience the nuances and the enormous depth of freedom, the freedom to be who I truly am, expressing my authentic Self with a passionate openness and honesty. Quite a task and one that proved to be VERY challenging. Still, the universe doesn’t give us any points for doing things that are easy.
But, to understand freedom, I first had to experience its opposite: prison. Very yin-yang. Or to put it another way: the opposite side of the same coin.
And what better way to ‘feel’ the prison is to feel trapped in a body that doesn’t fit. I am a trans woman, and that in itself brings a whole heap of specific challenges that others don’t face. Add to that, the prison of the beliefs, needs and wants of those around me. I found it challenging to navigate the requirements they set, which imposed who I should be and who I should not be.
I had to keep managing how I was seen, that being trans carries consequences. I learnt how to exist inside expectation. For me, this was the slow erosion of authenticity and openness, the very fabric of my true nature. It became exhausting.
In the misogynistic society we live in, men should not feel; I did. Men should not be kind; I am. Men should force women to be subservient; I don’t. Usually, this is subtle, and women don’t realise they’ve been conditioned until a threshold is reached. It is then that they move to reclaim their own power. When they do, there are sometimes unfortunate consequences, violence being one of the potential results.
You see, existing in this metaphorical prison creates trapped belief; negative beliefs about yourself and about those you believe are the authors of your pain. Shaking off these negative beliefs is difficult because they dig in deep, and it takes great courage to face them. Facing them is the only way. Travelling alone in the darkness of our inner landscape can be terrifying, but to shed the shackles, our willingness must be our first call.
With every Soul choice, we are given a set of gifts that help us to process and evolve in the chosen environment. These gifts are always there, some of which only reveal themselves when needed. Other gifts only make sense when you recognise why you have them, and that requires a willingness to embrace the challenges we face. Surrendering to our journey brings an awareness of the many gifts we do have. Whether we choose to use them is another matter.
I am a people watcher, observing movement and flow in others, wondering what experiences have brought them to this point in life, in this present moment. I could sense them on an energetic level, not knowing the details, but sensing the broadcasted information they unconsciously announce.
- What pain are they still carrying due to their own experiences?
- Is it safer to remain in familiar pain than to discover an escape from it by entering the unknown?
I sense on a broad spectrum of frequencies, so I can “hear” the chaos people “shout”. For me, it is deafening. Tinnitus is the result. Trying to unravel what people emit unconsciously is physically and mentally draining. And some of that is simply noise they don’t realise they’re transmitting. Trying to interpret noise drains so much of my energy that by the end of the day, I am worn out, needing sleep and time on my own. Just think what it’s like to be surrounded by many hundreds or thousands of people, all confused, showering me with pandemonium.
We all wear masks, hiding the parts of us others deem shameful. When it is sometimes useful to protect ourselves, we can collect so many masks that we begin to believe we are the masks and forget that our true Self is desperately seeking a voice.
Not only can I see the masks people wear, but I can also see beneath them to the fearful person, not realising they need the oxygen of visibility. I know what that’s like, as I was there once.
Others would try to define us by what they believe, pushing and sculpting us into the image they would prefer us to be, not realising that the damage already done to them is being repeated in us. We are not meant to be what others wish. We are meant to be ourselves.
As a child, I would say to my parents, “Everyone is 100%”, and see the confusion on their faces. I knew what it was in the depths of my being, but not how to express that concept to others. At five or six years old, I lacked the dictionary to explain what, in essence, is a very deep description of love, compassion and kindness together with an understanding that we are, in fact, equal beings and exactly who we are meant to be. No adjustment necessary.
Back in 1994, when I first set foot on the path to my enlightenment, the concept of “Be The Pebble” was already within me, waiting to be expressed. It was never about forcing change, but simply about the gentle ripples that occur when you are congruent.
I eventually understood that it was an updated version of “Everyone is 100%”, but it contained within it the tools to transform oneself and, consciously, ripple our transformation to others in a kind and non-confrontational manner.
Sometimes, people at their own threshold need confirmation that they are choosing the right direction for themselves. Seeing examples of transformation gives them confidence that stepping through the open door is the right thing to do, rather than hovering endlessly before taking a step. I know what that’s like, as I was there once.
Writing The Nowhere Chronicles Trilogy served as a milestone for me, one that I can return to, should I begin to forget. So far, it has proved influential to other readers seeking understanding and release. Although we are all very different, there seems to be a universal truth in the words that resonates deeply with the reader.
To confront our internal struggles, we must first recognise their existence. Where the Trilogy points, the reader follows, becoming a witness to what is at their core. Not always easy. We need to face those “shameful parts” that others have defined and regulated. Awareness is one of the thresholds we need to climb, so we become the definer instead.
I am now at the threshold of surrendering to another version of my Self, as well as surrendering to another version of “Be the Pebble”. Frustratingly, I still lack a proper dictionary to explain it to myself, let alone to others.
Words are very limited in their ability to carry feeling. Yes, words can carry logical meanings and knowledge, but when a concept is ethereal and beyond rendition, it becomes difficult to absorb what is, essentially, something already within ourselves.
As we move through life, we evolve, we experience, we love, we grieve, we move on. It comes from my own experiences.
Within the Trilogy, alongside the tracks The Nowhere Express rides, is a river. Initially, I had no clue what to call this river. Where the train went, the river flowed beside, a constant companion, never asking to be noticed, a simple presence.
I sensed the river was a symbolic reference to my emotions, turbulent at times, smooth at others. Water is a subtle metaphor for emotion and feeling. The tracks thus became the logic, the structure, the mind.
I eventually named the river “River Essence”. Since it always remains by my side throughout the journey through my inner landscape, it is a very apt name.
The next threshold for me is to discover more of my essence and become aware of my presence. Quite a breathtaking twin concept. I am a Gemini, so perhaps whatever is within is without.
In one scene in the third book of the Trilogy, I immerse myself in the lake, which is the source of my essence. It is here I discover other parts of myself that have been longing to rejoin to become whole once again.
Presence is where I transmit calmness and compassion. No longer wearing masks, people see the true me, the honest me. And that influences them to see what possibilities are available to them to grow into their true Self.
Presence is when I no longer have to manage how I’m seen. Nor do I continue to protect those parts of myself that others dislike. When I am truly myself, people respond differently. Some soften, some resist, and some drift away.
Presence is not doing, but being. It is sitting in the same space without needing to control how that space evaluates you.
Presence is just the quiet courage to stay.