Acceptance as a Healing Modality
Written November 2004
Acceptance of what is, is probably the most difficult thing that anyone has to face in their lives. The enormous struggle to accept what happened to us in the past is magnified by the struggle to accept ourselves. There will always be parts of our psyche and our physical form that we do not like, do not understand, do not appreciate, do not enjoy, parts that we would rather ignore, suppress and hide from others, and from ourselves.
In doing this, we short change everyone who comes into contact with us, leaving them a little less full because of the lack of our complete presence. They depart still wondering what they have missed since you were less than open about who you really are inside. We wear our fear upon our sleeves rather than our Soul essence.
Acceptance is a form of healing. And a very powerful one at that. We cannot change what events took place in our childhood, or even yesterday, but we can change how we perceive them after the fact. Our perception is all that matters. If we can remove the trauma, the pain and suffering associated with the memory of an event, we can heal that event. We cannot alter the event itself because that has now become part of us. What we can do however, is alter our feelings towards it, our perception of it. This is the healing.
When we cannot forgive, we hate, we rage, we loathe, we dislike. This internalised emotion against our perpetrators, those that controlled and manipulated and forced us to do their bidding, does in no way affect them. In fact, they are completely and totally oblivious of how their actions impinged upon our life, our being and our Soul. They may have ignored us, bullied us, smacked us, beaten us, molested us, raped us. Or they could have done any of the above and more to a member of our family. It is not for them we forgive, it is for ourselves alone so we may continue to move through life unencumbered further by the sadness, grief and sorrow that can, in time, become overwhelming and crushing of our being.
If we cannot release ourselves from this damming negativity, it has no other place to go but into the body, into the very cells that are designed to keep us alive and well, healthy and functioning.
If we cannot release, it changes who we inside. We become bitter, resentful and angry, insular and inward looking and very selfish. Close relationships are propelled towards destruction, friendships are damaged, sometimes beyond repair, and people vacate our company making excuses with previously planned engagements rather than face the draining envelope of our negativity. Our despair and misery, pessimism and gloom flows before us like a billowing cloak sucking in all available positive energy in the vicinity. We become energy vampires continually seeking our next fix.
If we cannot release, different forms of illness may develop. Headaches, aches and pains in the bones, muscles and joints, mental problems, depression, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), chronic Irritable Bowel Syndrome, cancer.
If we cannot release, it is then that chronic illness establishes itself with symptoms that inhibit our lives dramatically, limiting our ability to enjoy what life has to offer.
There are no easy answers to finding acceptance. Or maybe acceptance of Self is a more appropriate and accurate description. We are all unique individuals and thus react to these episodes and experiences in a unique way. Those of us that store and hide our emotions in the mental crevices of our mind, looking at them only rarely, if at all, have a more difficult task ahead to search out the solutions we seek to becoming whole once again.
These harrowing experiences cause our psyche to split into many pieces and then solicit our subconscious to secrete away the most traumatised parts, locking them away for many years. You see, anger and resentment do not decompose when buried, they merely surface at the most inopportune moments. No matter how deeply these emotions are pushed, no matter how far down they are submerged by us consciously or subconsciously, no matter how hard we try to ignore the beginning eruption of these emotions returning to the surface, to our awareness, they will emerge. They have to.
We can continue to ignore these emotions and these symptoms as the volcano erupts or look at them intently, bravely, and with courage, knowing that the road will be littered with markers and signs along the way whose intention is to divert us from our true path, the path to healing, a path whose destination is the freedom not to feel the pain of holding on. No one said that looking at these difficult emotions is easy. The cost of non-acceptance is considerable as we stand by and watch as our very Soul and essence wither away, shrivelling up in the exhausting heat of anger and resentment we still hold for our perpetrators and maybe society in general because that is also part of the problem.
We have to judge for ourselves which cost we would prefer to pay. An easy life in this moment, putting things off yet again, because this is the easy option but with a life of continual and unresolved torments and fears. Or do we choose to face our fears and experience a few short years of going through the pain and anguish of viewing and releasing the events of our past.
In order to make our decision, we must first be willing to change. Change is the only constant in our Universe for without it we cannot grow. Before we can choose that route however, we must also be willing to seek help from others to assist us in the process of clearing. We cannot do this on our own.
For me, I have approached a crossroads in my life. A better description might be a fork in the road as I have realised that I have only two options, two choices laid out before me. My experience with this illness, with its considerable weight loss (almost 3 stone in 18 months), with its continual churning of the stomach and bowels, has taught me one big lesson. It is no longer in my interest to continue to be what other people want me to be.
My cross dressing is. I have to accept that it is. It is there because it has always been part of me, is here now, and will always be part of me in the future. It is there because it is a fundamental part, such a vital part of me, and an essential ingredient of my nature, my psyche, and my personality that it would be impossible to eradicate it. You cannot amputate it like you can a damaged limb. It is not an illness that can be cured.
Caren (that feminine ingredient) is part of me. I must accept that she is here now and will be forevermore. Colin (that masculine ingredient) is also part of me and he will be here forevermore.
Being Caren at home and sometimes at church, is no longer enough. Caren is who I am, who represents who I am, who expresses much more of who I am. Caren is the creative part of the partnership and Colin provides the logic. That is why, for me, that software design is so easy. I have the best of both worlds.
My options then, reside in the quagmire at the fork in the road. Do I stir the quicksand and watch as I sink deeper falling foul of the wishes and desires of others and shrivelling in the process, my Soul withering like an un-watered plant, the illness staying around for many more months or years, remaining the same or getting worse. Or do I leap across the invisible bridge, having the faith that whatever I do, that bridge will be there to support me and have the courage to become Caren full time.
Experience is an essential ingredient of life and of growth. We are changed because of that experience. Should we choose to ignore our potential and the lessons that are presented to us for our growth, we will become lesser people for that choice, short changing those around us and especially ourselves for we do not learn, do not grow, do not evolve.
If we choose to envelope our being in these new experiences, we become better at making wiser choices in the future and becoming less influenced by those people around us who have their own agendas and who have their own needs to shape you into something that they want you to be. This is usually at odds with who you want to be.
Of course, I don’t know whether Caren is who I am. All I know at this moment in time, is that she expresses me much more fluently and effortlessly. The only way I can be sure, is to be her for an extended period of time. And that means at home, at church, going shopping, at the cinema and at work. Full time.
At the time of writing, I am working only half days due the state of my health. That extra half day at home is still not enough to gauge Caren’s future role as it is time spent on my own. To gain the most benefit from the experience, I need to interact with people. This will obviously mean people who know me as Colin and those people who don’t. It will be an interesting challenge for all.
It may be that that time spent as Caren will resolve most of the issues I have about myself and will enable me to choose the correct path. Of course, I cannot make this decision without spending time experiencing Caren. It is that experience that will change me and help me to break through the shell of the chrysalis to become.
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